One of the privileges of being a pastor is being with people in their darkest hours. The sudden illness or unexpected accident - the cancer diagnosis - the death of a dearly loved parent, child, spouse or friend. It is a privilege for me to be there because I am an outsider. It is not my loved one who is in critical condition. It is not my relative who has died.
I am there to represent God and God's people. I have the delicate task of reminding people of God's love for them even when they are torn apart by their grief. I remind them that God knows our pain, that Jesus has shared our suffering and that he will never leave us or forsake us.
Although I had been counseling people in their time of sorrow for many years, when I was diagnosed with myelofibrosis I gained a more intimate acquaintance with grief. I saw things from the other side of the counseling.
A fatal diagnosis brings with it a tremendous sense of loss. Since I had imagined there was no reason I would not live into my nineties, I felt that my life had been cut short. Contemplating my death made me feel sad about being separated from my wife and loved ones. I was disappointed that I would not be able to enjoy my grandchildren into my old age. I was unhappy that I might not be able to continue my work when I "should have" had ten or fifteen more years to go.
Denial
At first there is a sense of breathlessness - a feeling of panic. "This cannot be happening to me! There must be some sort of mistake! There must be some other explanation! Having heard the diagnosis from the oncologist I rushed to the internet to see if there really was such a disease and found other patients in support groups to see if their symptoms were really like mine. For me, denial was difficult to sustain very long. But some patients have more ambiguous symptoms that prolong the agony.
Anger
Next comes a sense of resentment, "Why me? How did I get this weird disease? Who is responsible?" Some people work very hard to discover some sort of chemical exposure that led to their disease. Others lash out at the doctors who did not diagnose them earlier. I'm sorry to admit that my own anger showed up in my macabre jokes about death and my perverse pleasure in telling even complete strangers about my diagnosis. The underlying motive was anger motivated by pride and searching for pity.
Some myelofibrosis patients go into a rage when someone says, "You don't look sick." I feel about the same when I hear, "None of us knows how long they will live." This is anger that comes from grief and it is not entirely logical. We are feeling our losses and it seems like others doubt that we are really gripped by this deadly illness.
Bargaining
Some new patients turn to a vegan diet and wonder what other natural remedies might be available to beat the disease. Others are sure that cannabis oil is the answer. Others suggest that all patients should avoid all pharmacological medicines. Others try juicing. (The internet conveniently has hundreds of sites that promote one or another "natural" or "miracle" cures.) In our grief we feel there must be some simple answer! What food would you not give up in exchange for your life? What treatment would you refuse if it meant deliverance?
Depression
For me this stage resulted in weight gain. It is discouraging to have an incurable disease. What is the point of taking care of my diet and continuing to exercise? I ate whatever I wanted and as much as I wanted. What difference could it make? Dark chocolate, take me away!
Acceptance
Not to be confused with resignation - acceptance is where you decide to deal with your problem to the best of your abilities. After a while, I woke up to the fact that in spite of my grim diagnosis I still felt pretty healthy. I realized that I was foolishly wasting what time I have left making myself miserable. I soon determined that I was not going to lose another minute of the present fretting about things that might or might not happen in my future.
I learned that while everyone's experience is unique, there are no short-cuts through grief. Knowing the steps of grief doesn't make grief go away. You cannot just "get over it." You have to process it and that takes time. Your loved ones are suffering grief of their own over your diagnosis. It is a difficult time.
The Slough of Despond is nothing new, but you will find that after awhile you can find your footing and work your way out again. Here are some of the more obvious steps...
I am there to represent God and God's people. I have the delicate task of reminding people of God's love for them even when they are torn apart by their grief. I remind them that God knows our pain, that Jesus has shared our suffering and that he will never leave us or forsake us.
Although I had been counseling people in their time of sorrow for many years, when I was diagnosed with myelofibrosis I gained a more intimate acquaintance with grief. I saw things from the other side of the counseling.
A fatal diagnosis brings with it a tremendous sense of loss. Since I had imagined there was no reason I would not live into my nineties, I felt that my life had been cut short. Contemplating my death made me feel sad about being separated from my wife and loved ones. I was disappointed that I would not be able to enjoy my grandchildren into my old age. I was unhappy that I might not be able to continue my work when I "should have" had ten or fifteen more years to go.
Denial
At first there is a sense of breathlessness - a feeling of panic. "This cannot be happening to me! There must be some sort of mistake! There must be some other explanation! Having heard the diagnosis from the oncologist I rushed to the internet to see if there really was such a disease and found other patients in support groups to see if their symptoms were really like mine. For me, denial was difficult to sustain very long. But some patients have more ambiguous symptoms that prolong the agony.
Anger
Next comes a sense of resentment, "Why me? How did I get this weird disease? Who is responsible?" Some people work very hard to discover some sort of chemical exposure that led to their disease. Others lash out at the doctors who did not diagnose them earlier. I'm sorry to admit that my own anger showed up in my macabre jokes about death and my perverse pleasure in telling even complete strangers about my diagnosis. The underlying motive was anger motivated by pride and searching for pity.
Some myelofibrosis patients go into a rage when someone says, "You don't look sick." I feel about the same when I hear, "None of us knows how long they will live." This is anger that comes from grief and it is not entirely logical. We are feeling our losses and it seems like others doubt that we are really gripped by this deadly illness.
Bargaining
Some new patients turn to a vegan diet and wonder what other natural remedies might be available to beat the disease. Others are sure that cannabis oil is the answer. Others suggest that all patients should avoid all pharmacological medicines. Others try juicing. (The internet conveniently has hundreds of sites that promote one or another "natural" or "miracle" cures.) In our grief we feel there must be some simple answer! What food would you not give up in exchange for your life? What treatment would you refuse if it meant deliverance?
Depression
For me this stage resulted in weight gain. It is discouraging to have an incurable disease. What is the point of taking care of my diet and continuing to exercise? I ate whatever I wanted and as much as I wanted. What difference could it make? Dark chocolate, take me away!
Acceptance
Not to be confused with resignation - acceptance is where you decide to deal with your problem to the best of your abilities. After a while, I woke up to the fact that in spite of my grim diagnosis I still felt pretty healthy. I realized that I was foolishly wasting what time I have left making myself miserable. I soon determined that I was not going to lose another minute of the present fretting about things that might or might not happen in my future.
I learned that while everyone's experience is unique, there are no short-cuts through grief. Knowing the steps of grief doesn't make grief go away. You cannot just "get over it." You have to process it and that takes time. Your loved ones are suffering grief of their own over your diagnosis. It is a difficult time.
The Slough of Despond is nothing new, but you will find that after awhile you can find your footing and work your way out again. Here are some of the more obvious steps...
(1 Peter 4:1 ESV) Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, (Hebrews 4:15 ESV) For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.(Romans 8:28–29 ESV) 28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.29 For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.(Romans 8:35 ESV) Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?(Romans 8:37–39 ESV) 37 ¶ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers,39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
